you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
