If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
