The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize