Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
