now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
