ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I did not marry a roomba.
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