Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
