when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
