I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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