I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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