I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
