just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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