I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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