id be glad to
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
