i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
