We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
