New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
