I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
