so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
