why didn't you poke me back
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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