No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
