I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
