When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
