something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
