Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My ATM looks so different sober.
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Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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