When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
