im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
