PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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