Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This girl is more easily done than said...
You can't special order awesome
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
