onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
