Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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