Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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