Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
