I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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