and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
