he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Sext me about skeletons
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
