I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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