Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
