whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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