$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I looked at my own cervix.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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