It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
be right there i have to get my cape
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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