I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
