So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
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Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
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Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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