i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
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I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
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We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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