rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
