If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
