I just threw up on my dentist
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
