I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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