He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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