shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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