they need to just BURY HIM!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
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Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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