i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
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There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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