i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
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You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
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after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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